The not so Sunnyside to Growing a Tiny Human

They say it is this beautiful thing. Growing a tiny human. I am in awe of the incredible abilities of my body, nature and biology. How blessed I am to create, carry and have already formed such a strong bond with this tiny human. And to be privy to private moments where their movements are only known to me.

 But my body is not my own and it hasn't been for a while, it is slowly being stolen from me and taken over by a soul that is not my own. That aspect of control that I need so much in my life to cope has disappeared and is hard to find again. My 'normal' has slowly disappeared I am struggling to remember who I am. My body is letting me down, making the most mediocre of tasks so complex and exhausting. My independence is disappearing where I am forced to ask for assistance from others going against my nature. My body is creating barriers and defying me where I would usually be so capable. There are so many rules that now guide my choices, don't do that, don't eat that, don't lift that. Where I am so limited now in comparison to how I once lived. The choices I make now are not only choices I make for myself but for the tiny human I am growing. A huge sense of responsibility and pressure to be perfect rests heavily on my shoulders. Eyes of judgement and opinions are sneaking in already. The date is getting closer, have I done all the right things? Have I done enough? Am I ready? How will I cope? Am I good enough?

These things I never considered when embarking upon this journey. My one and only goal was to create a family of my own without thought to what would be involved along the way. But I wanted this so desperately, I asked for this, I longed for this. How can I then voice my challenges so openly? So many worries, so much loss of my previous life and realisation that my reality is about to seriously change. Will I adjust? Feelings of guilt and inadequacy surface and are momentarily pushed aside, until they resurface the next time... So many people pray for this, unable to have it themselves and here I am moaning? So many conflicting feelings, so much confusion, so much pain. Pushing these thoughts aside, to get onto the next day.

They say it is a beautiful thing. Growing a tiny human. But what they don't tell you is the sacrifices you will have to make before they even arrive. The strength and resilience you will need to remain positive even when your mind and body defies you. And the support you will need from those closest to you. The voice inside your head telling you that you've failed already.

I'm growing a tiny human. My body is not my own. It's not all sunshine and rainbows like everyone tells you. But that's okay because very soon, I get to hold this tiny human and suddenly this rocky journey will all be worthwhile.

These feelings are normal and everyone's experience through this journey is different. If you are experiencing feelings that are affecting your daily function and mental or emotional wellbeing, it could be a good idea to talk to someone. Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia (PANDA) provides support to expecting parents and families during pregnancy and the first year of parenthood.

PANDA National Helpline (Mon – Fri, 9am – 7:30pm) 1300 726 306